Listen To Me

One of the ways that I release some stress in my life and make fun for myself, is I dabble in Corel Paint Shop Pro creating different kinds of graphics.  I belong to a group on yahoo groups and this group is about the forming of friendships and also for people that have like-minded  interest in creating graphics.

Last night, this group had a challenge and the theme of the challenge was 'Listen To Me'.  The purpose of this theme is to create a graphic and add a commentary to the graphic of how this graphic tells people about us. A good way to get to know somebody.

I would like to invite anybody reading my blog post, to share something about themselves on the theme of 'Listen To Me', by commenting below the blog post. :)

Listen To Me

Most of my life as a child and/or a youth was quite the challenge for me. I unfortunately was raised in a broken 

home. I had a father that was an alcoholic and a mother 

that had a lot of health issues and also a history of 

depression. 

When I was in my youth and just before I turned 18 years old, I kind of lost my youth in my fears, the feeling of loneliness and the abuse that I sustained in my life both physically, mentally and emotionally. For the most part of my childhood and my youth, I felt alone,lost and also in a dark place. I was not certain where in life I belonged or how to get to that positive space.

 

Now on to one passion in my life and that of which has kept me on the straight and narrow and helped me to find my way. I spend a lot of time with ear buds in my ears, listening to Christian music and there is one musician that has had a positive reflection in my life and continues to this very day and that is Wynonna Judd (she is such an amazingly spirit filled individual).

I first came to accept Jesus Christ as my personal LORD and SAVIOR when I was only 18 years old and my relationship with GOD all of these years, has been a life saver for me.  I have tried over the years witness to people and do have moments that I am successful to share my faith in GOD and how he has brought me to where I am in my life right now.

Controlled mannerisms, dialogue and ....

I thought I would share another aspect of my life that has bothered me for a very long time. Most relationships that I have been in most of my life, have tried to control my mannerisms, what I can and cannot say in discussion with them and/or others and also when it is most appropriate to talk even to them.

What do some of these people of the present and past think? That I am incapable of how to behave and that I do not know the right or appropriate things to say in discussions. 

Most of all, I hate being told when to stop talking!

I do everything in my power to take control of my being and my own life.

How do you all handle when you are being controlled?

Control of our own life!

Yes people, you all know from reading my blog that I have lived my entire life with a mental illness and that being said, I have never allowed for any body to be successful at trying to taunt me, manipulate and control me. 

My mother, 'God rest her soul' taught me the true meaning of life. My mother always taught me that it was up to me to make myself happy, to do all that I could to look after myself and she taught me along with my sisters at a tender age of twelve years old how to cook our own meals, do household chores and last but not least, all the responsibilities of making it on our own if she were not to be there for us.

I moved out on my own at age seventeen. I had to grow up fast and experience being on my own! I did not get into the dating scene until I was about 19/20 years of age and even in a relationship, I did not need for anybody to tell me or teach me how to do things in life i.e. cooking, managing my money, paying my bills and so on and so forth. I learned all of this with some support of my mother, otherwise I did this on my own.

I have had friends and/or people I have been in relationships with, try to take the accolades or credit for my acquired abilities in life. I have learned to not let that bother me any more or to lower my self esteem.

So, what I would like to know from readers of my blog. How did you all learn to cope with going out on your own and the realities of life?  Were you self-taught? Did anybody ever try to take credit for your acquired abilities in life?

My little tidbit to you all. Do 'not' allow for anybody to run you down and make you feel that you are good enough for anybody, that you are not able to look after yourself unless you had some one in your life and that you cannot cook for yourself or manage your finances and pay your bills on your own.  Remember, you can do anything in life that you set out to do and if you believe in yourself and put your mind to it.

I welcome comments on this blog post.

World Bipolar Day

Today is March 30th and it is officially World Bipolar Day! You can show your support to people with mental illnesses and/or Bipolar Disorder today, by telling a family member and/or a friend with a mental illness that you love them unconditionally.

You can raise awareness of this day - by sharing my post.

Thank you for helping to stomp out stigma against mental illness!

Celebrate World Bipolar Day on March 30th

http://ibpf.org/blog/world-bipolar-day-call-action  if you go to the link provided there is information on how you can participate in raising awareness of Bipolar Disorder on March 30th :)

                      

Charmaine

No Make-Up Selfie to raise awareness of cancer

For the past two (2) days there has been a campaign to raise awareness for cancer and just in Canada over $2 Million dollar has been raised.

Women are posting 'selfie no make-up' pictures and posting it up on social networks, YouTube and sharing with friends.

Here is my selfie picture taken with my webcam this afternoon. 

I would like to encourage all women to take a selfie picture of themselves with no make-up and to post it to your social networks that you are connected to or even send in an e-mail to private/public mailing lists you are a member of.

Show some support for cancer awareness!

Accomplishments later in life

I some time do not feel as though I have accomplished much over the 53 years of my life. I have never been able to hold on to jobs for too long and before that, I only went as far as part of grade 10 and part of grade 11 in high school.

School and work have always been so much of a challenge for me. I got stressed easily and frustrated. Most often in my life I have had great difficulty learning even the simplest things in life.

What I would had over the years given to be able to wake up in the morning and have a career (job) to go to each day and make a name for myself.

Therapists and people I have met over the years, tell me that just being here and making it through one day to the next is a huge accomplishment in itself.

For over 20 years now, I have wanted the satisfaction of getting my grade 12 diploma. I have just never had the confidence that I could do any of the required credits courses to work towards this diploma. For the past month nearly now, I have been a part of a 'supported education' program at Ontario Shores Center for Mental Health Sciences.  I have been working on some lessons and for the most part, I have been doing quite well on the lessons, with the exception of the lesson I am working on now is so challenging for me. This lesson that I am working on now through the OSSEP program is based on history and history is a subject that has never interested me. So I am therefore struggling through this one lesson, trying to wrap my head around it. It is probably going to take a few days just to complete it.  I will NOT give up though, I have been a quitter too often in my life and I am not going to be this time around.

Patience and perseverance is the key now to succeeding and completing this one goal!

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Every single season of 'Fall' and right through to about mid 'Spring',  I always feel as though the energy is being sapped right out of me. I also in many ways feel physically ill, almost as though I have a flu and more aches and pains of the joints and muscles than I do during other seasons of the year.

The daylight during the above mentioned seasons of 'Fall' and mid 'Spring' do not have the same positive effect on me as it does throughout most of the Summer months.

If only we could have Summer all year round. I am seriously considering on getting a SAD lamp for this coming late 'Fall' and 'Winter'.

You ask me how or if I cope with SAD. Well honestly, I feel like sleeping most of the time or I go into extreme lows where I am feeling very depressed and angry most of the time.

For those reading and/or following my blog and would like to learn more about SAD, here is a link:-

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047

Please feel free to share with me and other readers of my blog how you cope with SAD?

Living With Stigmatization!

All my life I have had to endure people judging me for not measuring up to their standards or values. You know, even before people were aware that I had a mental illness, they were able to see some characteristics of mine were not what would be considered the norm. I was many years ago the quiet type of person. I was a follower and some times I would even end up hanging out with people that enjoyed thrills in their life's. People that liked to hang out with people that were into bar-hopping, being promiscuous in life or just getting off at treating people with disrespect. I hung out with these people at the time, because I did not want to feel like I was being rejected. I some times felt like I was for once in my life, getting the feeling of having out with what was considered the 'in crowd'!

It was not until some people in the community pointed out to me that I deserved better than what I was hanging out with and that if I continued to hang out with these people, that I would eventually end up being charged, in jail or worse. I was also told that I did not need to be with people with 'bad a**' type of people to get the feeling of acceptance! In fact, I was also told that some times it is better to be alone, than to risk messing up my life.

It was not until my mid 20's that I grew up and faced the realities of life some what. I attended workshops at drop-in centers in Toronto. These workshops were about self-esteem and how to break the cycle of abuse. As a result of going to these workshops and learning more about myself, I became more of a loner and decided that I did not want to risk going to a place that would give my own self image a bad impression because of the bad company I kept. I started being more cautious about the people I made friends with.

For the most part, I was walking a straight line and trying to keep my life clean, until I met my sons father. He was an alcoholic and he also spent a lot of time in a bad neighborhood in Toronto and kept company with people that were into drugs. When I met my sons father, it was not to be the intention that I would continue hanging out with him. It was a time in my life again, where everybody was in relationships, whether it was a good or bad one. I ended up staying with him for about a year, sadly I had difficulty getting away from him, he was both emotionally/mentally and physically abusive. He made me feel as though I was not deserving of anything better in my life. He kept engraining in my brain that I was trash and that I was crazy and that I needed to be controlled.  I was able to eventually able to get him out of my life, it was not until I was severely physically abused. Having custody of my son, I was able to get help from women's groups to move forward from the abuse.

I have to be honest, if there was not one negative thing happening in my life after these above incidences, there was something else. It has always taken for something bad in my life to happen for me to continue growing.

To this very day and in the past several years, people that have become aware of my mental illness would judge me. I have never fit in with people for several reasons: 1) did not have the education that they did 2) I was not at the intellectual status as them  3) was dependent on government allowance for some kind of financial stability in my life, due to inability to work 4) not owning my own home and having no choice but to live in housing subsidized by the government 5) quitting school in early stages of my high school education 6) having friends in the LGBTQ community that people did not find as acceptable. You know that I could go on and on here, but I am certain that most people that read my blog will get the jest of what I am trying to say.

Approximately, six or so years ago, I decided that I have to be responsible for my own life and for my own happiness. I chose to not allow for people to judge me for anything and that those people were not worth having as my friends or even being in my life. That the very, very few friends I had were better to have, then the number of friends no matter how they treated me.

I would rather be alone, then be forced to be the person in other peoples eyes that I am expected to be and to love, then to never have loved before!

Here is a wise quote:

'Follow the path of the unsafe and independent thinker.  Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less the label of 'crackpot', than the stigma of conformity and then on issues that seem important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost!'

Quote by Chauncey Depew

Raising A Special Needs Child

The date of January 27, 1987 was one of the happiest times of my life and for several years prior, I was told that I would never have a child.  On this very day, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and his name is Matthew. My son at the time of his birth weigh 6 lbs 8 ounces and was 21 inches long.

When my son was only a few months old, he started to have difficulty with his overall development. I was unable to breast feed and therefore, could only feed him by a bottle. My son was only able to drink formula that had no lactose in it, as he was at the time intolerant to lactose, but he also had difficult taking in the formula and just kept vomiting. It was also when he was a few months old, he was hardly waking up for his feeds and then one day suddenly I went to check him and could not wake him up at all. I rushed to our GP with him and then the GP immediately had me transport him to Sick Children's Hospital. He was then at the time diagnosed with the ability to thrive. The doctors at Sick Kids had to insert a Gastrostomy Feeding Tube into his stomach and he was also diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy on the left side down to feet.

While my son was in Sick Kids for a few months, he was also diagnosed with a seizure disorder. He was having multiple petite and Mal seizures throughout the entire day and he still has epilepsy to this very day of age 27.

When my son was only 5 years old, he would play with toys, plates and trucks by spinning them and made limited eye contact and got frustrated often, as he was also non-verbal. The school board that we were involved with at the time, contacted 'The Canadian Mothercraft Society' and it was them that did a developmental assessment on my son and he was diagnosed as Autistic and developmental delay.

Once son had been diagnosed as autistic and developmental delay, we had to get special services for him through school to assist him with communication and his over all developmental challenges. I was referred to the Easter Seals Society for my son. It was through them, that I got involved with respite services for him and also the opportunity for him and I both to go in the Summer months to the Easter Seals Society camp. I got the chance to meet other parents with children with special needs and became involved with the Parent Delegate Program at Easter Seals for Five years.

My son has had many challenges over his 27 years of life and in fact, I was told that he would not make it this far in life. Matthew, just like my mom and like me, is a fighter and a survivor. Nothing holds him back!

Matthew is the apple of my eye! I feel so blessed to have him as a huge part of my life!

About The Blogger (ME)

It has been about 5 years or so since I have had a blog of this theme. I will be posting on this blog about my mental health issues that I live with on a daily basis and as well as any general happenings in my life.

Now to start this blog post off with something about me:

I was born and raised in the City of Toronto and for the most part up to I was at least 12/13 years old, my mother was a single parent, raising three girls pretty much on her own. I had a father 'yes' and he stuck around until I was about 9 years old and then he went back to his own native land of 'Denmark'. We ended up following him for a few years, unfortunately it did not work out much longer than that.

When I was about 12 years old, I was not a very happy child and had difficult time expressing myself around that time and even for many years before. My mother had no choice but to seek out some support for me and for the family with me. It was this time, that I was first diagnosed with a mental illness and then I was admitted into a residence for people with mental illnesses and stayed there for a few years, to be moved to a group home for girls/young women and lived there for just over a year.  It was tough to say the least not living at home and I understand that my mother did the best that she could for me and also for the family as for coping with my challenges in life. There were moments that I felt rejected, but it was not until later in life that I realized that what I was feeling was my own perspective of things.

When I was 18 years old I ended up on my own, my mother had found a flat for me. I had managed to find myself a good GP. It was he and a psychiatrist that I had been referred to at the time, that officially diagnosed me with 'manic depressive disorder'. The doctors tried to get me on medication and tried to get me to cooperate with staying on medication to help stabilize me. However, being the stubborn person I was at that time, every time things seemed to be going okay, I would stop the medications. I had allot of highs and lows and yes even moments of self-injury. I was hospitalized many times and even the doctors in these facilities could not get me to stay on medications.

I have had difficult time making and keeping friends most of my life and relationships were not working out for me either a lot of my life. I had been in and our of relationships, have often had a difficult time recognizing what was real in a relationship and not. I guess you can say that a lot of my life, I went into a relationship to feel wanted, to feel loved. For many years, it took being in relationships that were abusive both mentally, emotionally and physically and it is only in the past 15 years that I took more control of the kinds of relationships that I entered into.  I did not start to have difficulty in my relationships and friendships until I became open about having a mental illness. It is then that people used my mental illness to their advantage and would attack me mentally and emotionally when I was at my most vulnerable and as for the physical abuse, I believe that happened because these abusers did not feel that I deserve to have any better treatment than I was getting.

I was then re-diagnosed for my mental illness again in 1998 and at that time it was through a Psychiatric hospital in my region that I ended up spending 3 months in after a major breakdown and then I was diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder II and then in the past 6 years Bipolar I.

To this very day I still have to live and tolerate the stigma of having a mental illness, but I have learned in the past 15 years or so that it is okay to say aloud, 'No it is NOT okay to judge me for having a mental illness!' I then have learned to not let it concern me if I ended up losing friendships and/or relationships for standing up to people like this.  The year 1998 is the year that I finally took 101% control of my life and have remained on medications ever since and it has made a world of difference in how I function.

Stand up to people that stigmatize people with mental illness and instead take the initiative to raise awareness of all kinds of mental illness!