All my life I have had to endure people judging me for not measuring up to their standards or values. You know, even before people were aware that I had a mental illness, they were able to see some characteristics of mine were not what would be considered the norm. I was many years ago the quiet type of person. I was a follower and some times I would even end up hanging out with people that enjoyed thrills in their life's. People that liked to hang out with people that were into bar-hopping, being promiscuous in life or just getting off at treating people with disrespect. I hung out with these people at the time, because I did not want to feel like I was being rejected. I some times felt like I was for once in my life, getting the feeling of having out with what was considered the 'in crowd'!
It was not until some people in the community pointed out to me that I deserved better than what I was hanging out with and that if I continued to hang out with these people, that I would eventually end up being charged, in jail or worse. I was also told that I did not need to be with people with 'bad a**' type of people to get the feeling of acceptance! In fact, I was also told that some times it is better to be alone, than to risk messing up my life.
It was not until my mid 20's that I grew up and faced the realities of life some what. I attended workshops at drop-in centers in Toronto. These workshops were about self-esteem and how to break the cycle of abuse. As a result of going to these workshops and learning more about myself, I became more of a loner and decided that I did not want to risk going to a place that would give my own self image a bad impression because of the bad company I kept. I started being more cautious about the people I made friends with.
For the most part, I was walking a straight line and trying to keep my life clean, until I met my sons father. He was an alcoholic and he also spent a lot of time in a bad neighborhood in Toronto and kept company with people that were into drugs. When I met my sons father, it was not to be the intention that I would continue hanging out with him. It was a time in my life again, where everybody was in relationships, whether it was a good or bad one. I ended up staying with him for about a year, sadly I had difficulty getting away from him, he was both emotionally/mentally and physically abusive. He made me feel as though I was not deserving of anything better in my life. He kept engraining in my brain that I was trash and that I was crazy and that I needed to be controlled. I was able to eventually able to get him out of my life, it was not until I was severely physically abused. Having custody of my son, I was able to get help from women's groups to move forward from the abuse.
I have to be honest, if there was not one negative thing happening in my life after these above incidences, there was something else. It has always taken for something bad in my life to happen for me to continue growing.
To this very day and in the past several years, people that have become aware of my mental illness would judge me. I have never fit in with people for several reasons: 1) did not have the education that they did 2) I was not at the intellectual status as them 3) was dependent on government allowance for some kind of financial stability in my life, due to inability to work 4) not owning my own home and having no choice but to live in housing subsidized by the government 5) quitting school in early stages of my high school education 6) having friends in the LGBTQ community that people did not find as acceptable. You know that I could go on and on here, but I am certain that most people that read my blog will get the jest of what I am trying to say.
Approximately, six or so years ago, I decided that I have to be responsible for my own life and for my own happiness. I chose to not allow for people to judge me for anything and that those people were not worth having as my friends or even being in my life. That the very, very few friends I had were better to have, then the number of friends no matter how they treated me.
I would rather be alone, then be forced to be the person in other peoples eyes that I am expected to be and to love, then to never have loved before!
Here is a wise quote:
'Follow the path of the unsafe and independent thinker. Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less the label of 'crackpot', than the stigma of conformity and then on issues that seem important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost!'
Quote by Chauncey Depew
Friday, March 21, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Raising A Special Needs Child
The date of January 27, 1987 was one of the happiest times of my life and for several years prior, I was told that I would never have a child. On this very day, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and his name is Matthew. My son at the time of his birth weigh 6 lbs 8 ounces and was 21 inches long.
When my son was only a few months old, he started to have difficulty with his overall development. I was unable to breast feed and therefore, could only feed him by a bottle. My son was only able to drink formula that had no lactose in it, as he was at the time intolerant to lactose, but he also had difficult taking in the formula and just kept vomiting. It was also when he was a few months old, he was hardly waking up for his feeds and then one day suddenly I went to check him and could not wake him up at all. I rushed to our GP with him and then the GP immediately had me transport him to Sick Children's Hospital. He was then at the time diagnosed with the ability to thrive. The doctors at Sick Kids had to insert a Gastrostomy Feeding Tube into his stomach and he was also diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy on the left side down to feet.
While my son was in Sick Kids for a few months, he was also diagnosed with a seizure disorder. He was having multiple petite and Mal seizures throughout the entire day and he still has epilepsy to this very day of age 27.
When my son was only 5 years old, he would play with toys, plates and trucks by spinning them and made limited eye contact and got frustrated often, as he was also non-verbal. The school board that we were involved with at the time, contacted 'The Canadian Mothercraft Society' and it was them that did a developmental assessment on my son and he was diagnosed as Autistic and developmental delay.
Once son had been diagnosed as autistic and developmental delay, we had to get special services for him through school to assist him with communication and his over all developmental challenges. I was referred to the Easter Seals Society for my son. It was through them, that I got involved with respite services for him and also the opportunity for him and I both to go in the Summer months to the Easter Seals Society camp. I got the chance to meet other parents with children with special needs and became involved with the Parent Delegate Program at Easter Seals for Five years.
My son has had many challenges over his 27 years of life and in fact, I was told that he would not make it this far in life. Matthew, just like my mom and like me, is a fighter and a survivor. Nothing holds him back!
Matthew is the apple of my eye! I feel so blessed to have him as a huge part of my life!
When my son was only a few months old, he started to have difficulty with his overall development. I was unable to breast feed and therefore, could only feed him by a bottle. My son was only able to drink formula that had no lactose in it, as he was at the time intolerant to lactose, but he also had difficult taking in the formula and just kept vomiting. It was also when he was a few months old, he was hardly waking up for his feeds and then one day suddenly I went to check him and could not wake him up at all. I rushed to our GP with him and then the GP immediately had me transport him to Sick Children's Hospital. He was then at the time diagnosed with the ability to thrive. The doctors at Sick Kids had to insert a Gastrostomy Feeding Tube into his stomach and he was also diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy on the left side down to feet.
While my son was in Sick Kids for a few months, he was also diagnosed with a seizure disorder. He was having multiple petite and Mal seizures throughout the entire day and he still has epilepsy to this very day of age 27.
When my son was only 5 years old, he would play with toys, plates and trucks by spinning them and made limited eye contact and got frustrated often, as he was also non-verbal. The school board that we were involved with at the time, contacted 'The Canadian Mothercraft Society' and it was them that did a developmental assessment on my son and he was diagnosed as Autistic and developmental delay.
Once son had been diagnosed as autistic and developmental delay, we had to get special services for him through school to assist him with communication and his over all developmental challenges. I was referred to the Easter Seals Society for my son. It was through them, that I got involved with respite services for him and also the opportunity for him and I both to go in the Summer months to the Easter Seals Society camp. I got the chance to meet other parents with children with special needs and became involved with the Parent Delegate Program at Easter Seals for Five years.
My son has had many challenges over his 27 years of life and in fact, I was told that he would not make it this far in life. Matthew, just like my mom and like me, is a fighter and a survivor. Nothing holds him back!
Matthew is the apple of my eye! I feel so blessed to have him as a huge part of my life!
About The Blogger (ME)
It has been about 5 years or so since I have had a blog of this theme. I will be posting on this blog about my mental health issues that I live with on a daily basis and as well as any general happenings in my life.
Now to start this blog post off with something about me:
I was born and raised in the City of Toronto and for the most part up to I was at least 12/13 years old, my mother was a single parent, raising three girls pretty much on her own. I had a father 'yes' and he stuck around until I was about 9 years old and then he went back to his own native land of 'Denmark'. We ended up following him for a few years, unfortunately it did not work out much longer than that.
When I was about 12 years old, I was not a very happy child and had difficult time expressing myself around that time and even for many years before. My mother had no choice but to seek out some support for me and for the family with me. It was this time, that I was first diagnosed with a mental illness and then I was admitted into a residence for people with mental illnesses and stayed there for a few years, to be moved to a group home for girls/young women and lived there for just over a year. It was tough to say the least not living at home and I understand that my mother did the best that she could for me and also for the family as for coping with my challenges in life. There were moments that I felt rejected, but it was not until later in life that I realized that what I was feeling was my own perspective of things.
When I was 18 years old I ended up on my own, my mother had found a flat for me. I had managed to find myself a good GP. It was he and a psychiatrist that I had been referred to at the time, that officially diagnosed me with 'manic depressive disorder'. The doctors tried to get me on medication and tried to get me to cooperate with staying on medication to help stabilize me. However, being the stubborn person I was at that time, every time things seemed to be going okay, I would stop the medications. I had allot of highs and lows and yes even moments of self-injury. I was hospitalized many times and even the doctors in these facilities could not get me to stay on medications.
I have had difficult time making and keeping friends most of my life and relationships were not working out for me either a lot of my life. I had been in and our of relationships, have often had a difficult time recognizing what was real in a relationship and not. I guess you can say that a lot of my life, I went into a relationship to feel wanted, to feel loved. For many years, it took being in relationships that were abusive both mentally, emotionally and physically and it is only in the past 15 years that I took more control of the kinds of relationships that I entered into. I did not start to have difficulty in my relationships and friendships until I became open about having a mental illness. It is then that people used my mental illness to their advantage and would attack me mentally and emotionally when I was at my most vulnerable and as for the physical abuse, I believe that happened because these abusers did not feel that I deserve to have any better treatment than I was getting.
I was then re-diagnosed for my mental illness again in 1998 and at that time it was through a Psychiatric hospital in my region that I ended up spending 3 months in after a major breakdown and then I was diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder II and then in the past 6 years Bipolar I.
To this very day I still have to live and tolerate the stigma of having a mental illness, but I have learned in the past 15 years or so that it is okay to say aloud, 'No it is NOT okay to judge me for having a mental illness!' I then have learned to not let it concern me if I ended up losing friendships and/or relationships for standing up to people like this. The year 1998 is the year that I finally took 101% control of my life and have remained on medications ever since and it has made a world of difference in how I function.
Now to start this blog post off with something about me:
I was born and raised in the City of Toronto and for the most part up to I was at least 12/13 years old, my mother was a single parent, raising three girls pretty much on her own. I had a father 'yes' and he stuck around until I was about 9 years old and then he went back to his own native land of 'Denmark'. We ended up following him for a few years, unfortunately it did not work out much longer than that.
When I was about 12 years old, I was not a very happy child and had difficult time expressing myself around that time and even for many years before. My mother had no choice but to seek out some support for me and for the family with me. It was this time, that I was first diagnosed with a mental illness and then I was admitted into a residence for people with mental illnesses and stayed there for a few years, to be moved to a group home for girls/young women and lived there for just over a year. It was tough to say the least not living at home and I understand that my mother did the best that she could for me and also for the family as for coping with my challenges in life. There were moments that I felt rejected, but it was not until later in life that I realized that what I was feeling was my own perspective of things.
When I was 18 years old I ended up on my own, my mother had found a flat for me. I had managed to find myself a good GP. It was he and a psychiatrist that I had been referred to at the time, that officially diagnosed me with 'manic depressive disorder'. The doctors tried to get me on medication and tried to get me to cooperate with staying on medication to help stabilize me. However, being the stubborn person I was at that time, every time things seemed to be going okay, I would stop the medications. I had allot of highs and lows and yes even moments of self-injury. I was hospitalized many times and even the doctors in these facilities could not get me to stay on medications.
I have had difficult time making and keeping friends most of my life and relationships were not working out for me either a lot of my life. I had been in and our of relationships, have often had a difficult time recognizing what was real in a relationship and not. I guess you can say that a lot of my life, I went into a relationship to feel wanted, to feel loved. For many years, it took being in relationships that were abusive both mentally, emotionally and physically and it is only in the past 15 years that I took more control of the kinds of relationships that I entered into. I did not start to have difficulty in my relationships and friendships until I became open about having a mental illness. It is then that people used my mental illness to their advantage and would attack me mentally and emotionally when I was at my most vulnerable and as for the physical abuse, I believe that happened because these abusers did not feel that I deserve to have any better treatment than I was getting.
I was then re-diagnosed for my mental illness again in 1998 and at that time it was through a Psychiatric hospital in my region that I ended up spending 3 months in after a major breakdown and then I was diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder II and then in the past 6 years Bipolar I.
To this very day I still have to live and tolerate the stigma of having a mental illness, but I have learned in the past 15 years or so that it is okay to say aloud, 'No it is NOT okay to judge me for having a mental illness!' I then have learned to not let it concern me if I ended up losing friendships and/or relationships for standing up to people like this. The year 1998 is the year that I finally took 101% control of my life and have remained on medications ever since and it has made a world of difference in how I function.
Stand up to people that stigmatize people with mental illness and instead take the initiative to raise awareness of all kinds of mental illness!
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