All my life I have had to endure people judging me for not measuring up to their standards or values. You know, even before people were aware that I had a mental illness, they were able to see some characteristics of mine were not what would be considered the norm. I was many years ago the quiet type of person. I was a follower and some times I would even end up hanging out with people that enjoyed thrills in their life's. People that liked to hang out with people that were into bar-hopping, being promiscuous in life or just getting off at treating people with disrespect. I hung out with these people at the time, because I did not want to feel like I was being rejected. I some times felt like I was for once in my life, getting the feeling of having out with what was considered the 'in crowd'!
It was not until some people in the community pointed out to me that I deserved better than what I was hanging out with and that if I continued to hang out with these people, that I would eventually end up being charged, in jail or worse. I was also told that I did not need to be with people with 'bad a**' type of people to get the feeling of acceptance! In fact, I was also told that some times it is better to be alone, than to risk messing up my life.
It was not until my mid 20's that I grew up and faced the realities of life some what. I attended workshops at drop-in centers in Toronto. These workshops were about self-esteem and how to break the cycle of abuse. As a result of going to these workshops and learning more about myself, I became more of a loner and decided that I did not want to risk going to a place that would give my own self image a bad impression because of the bad company I kept. I started being more cautious about the people I made friends with.
For the most part, I was walking a straight line and trying to keep my life clean, until I met my sons father. He was an alcoholic and he also spent a lot of time in a bad neighborhood in Toronto and kept company with people that were into drugs. When I met my sons father, it was not to be the intention that I would continue hanging out with him. It was a time in my life again, where everybody was in relationships, whether it was a good or bad one. I ended up staying with him for about a year, sadly I had difficulty getting away from him, he was both emotionally/mentally and physically abusive. He made me feel as though I was not deserving of anything better in my life. He kept engraining in my brain that I was trash and that I was crazy and that I needed to be controlled. I was able to eventually able to get him out of my life, it was not until I was severely physically abused. Having custody of my son, I was able to get help from women's groups to move forward from the abuse.
I have to be honest, if there was not one negative thing happening in my life after these above incidences, there was something else. It has always taken for something bad in my life to happen for me to continue growing.
To this very day and in the past several years, people that have become aware of my mental illness would judge me. I have never fit in with people for several reasons: 1) did not have the education that they did 2) I was not at the intellectual status as them 3) was dependent on government allowance for some kind of financial stability in my life, due to inability to work 4) not owning my own home and having no choice but to live in housing subsidized by the government 5) quitting school in early stages of my high school education 6) having friends in the LGBTQ community that people did not find as acceptable. You know that I could go on and on here, but I am certain that most people that read my blog will get the jest of what I am trying to say.
Approximately, six or so years ago, I decided that I have to be responsible for my own life and for my own happiness. I chose to not allow for people to judge me for anything and that those people were not worth having as my friends or even being in my life. That the very, very few friends I had were better to have, then the number of friends no matter how they treated me.
I would rather be alone, then be forced to be the person in other peoples eyes that I am expected to be and to love, then to never have loved before!
Here is a wise quote:
'Follow the path of the unsafe and independent thinker. Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less the label of 'crackpot', than the stigma of conformity and then on issues that seem important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost!'
Quote by Chauncey Depew
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